Master Cleanse 2008 (Lemonade Diet)

Day 3.

This morning I came out of my sleep with my stomach churning. I felt very weak. The herbal laxative wasn’t as benign as I thought it would be. I did a little poo, it was solid. Then I did a salt water flush, which was not. I was bored on the toilet but had the foresight to bring reading material.

I read a Sunday supplement article about a corrupt Wall Street trader who lived a life of extreme wealth and indulgence, full of drugs, boats, fucking and helicopters. If there were any redeeming qualities to this man they were not to be found in this article. What was falling out of my bum was more charming.

I finished my business, drank some lemonade and went back to bed. I was still very weak.

I woke up a few hours later and watched TV. As the afternoon became the evening I felt less weak and more pain. There was a dull pain in my lower back. I think it was my kidneys. And my arms and legs ached. I shifted from side to side, laid on my back, laid on my front. At one point I had my legs up the wall, at another I was on my belly reaching back trying to pull my legs nearer my head. Nothing worked, the pain got worse. I paced in the house and that helped slightly.

Eventually I went for a walk. It was cold but I was sweating with the pain. I met an old school friend and fobbed her off. My politeness was unconvincing and in hindsight I must have seemed like a junkie. Walking helped. I took a bottle of lemonade with me and swigged frequently.

Across the road a dog barked as a bloke walked past. He shouted back at the dog, “Shut up you caaahnt!” I looked over and he shouted at me, “What’s your problem, prick!?” I turned away. He said “That’s what I thought.” A few minutes later he crossed to my side of the road. I slowed down so he would be in front of me and not walking immediately behind me. As he passed me he mumbled “sorry”. The whole thing was a welcome distraction from the pain.

As I got nearer to home the aches in my arms and legs took priority. The cold was getting to them. When I got home I took a very hot shower and that soothed them. It took me a while to notice my back pain was gone.My arms and legs felt much better but ached until I slept.

The walk was satisfying. Living in London there are fast food places everywhere. I must have passed at least 20 on my four mile walk. The thought that a meal in any one of these places would stop the pain occured to me but didn’t take hold. I always presumed the Master Cleanse was painful and that framed today’s adventure as being part of the test. Even during that worrying pain, I knew that to eat would be a failure.