Master Cleanse 2008 (Lemonade Diet)

Day 7.

The grumps have passed. I’m feeling better today. Not because of the master cleanse. What was different today was me being a lot busier. Many people are reluctant to do the master cleanse when working. I think it’s a much-needed distraction. The master cleanse can be tediously solipsistic. Sure, the salt water flush can be a nuisance, but having the bulk your day dictated by the needs of others is mostly a blessing. That’s a becoming a major theme in this cleanse; personal responsibility. Beyond the initial decision, the master cleanse is a very simple, strict regime. You don’t need to think. It’s a short-term healthy lifestyle that takes barely any effort. And because of that, there’s a huge danger that after the cleanse you’ll be overwhelmed by having to make several choices a day about what to eat. So does the master cleanse make you vunerable to a relapse into poor living?

On the flipside, the master cleanse could be empowering. If you’ve lived a particularly unhealthy lifestyle for a long time before, the master cleanse could very well show you that you’ve got control over your body, that it’s a lot easier to go without food than you once thought and it’ll give you confidence to go on and improve.

For me, it’s a bit of both. That’s why I’m spending a lot of time during the master cleanse labouring over my post-cleanse diet plan. That will take the pressure off when having to eat; I’ll automatically know what I’m eating and I’ll have no excuse about not having good food in the house. But the diet is a regime and it does supplant choice. Still, I think it’s a pragmatic approach, and it’s not without thought. I simply put most of the thinking at the start.

So, one week done! Easier than I thought it would be. I’m a little frustrated at this point. Like I said yesterday, the cleansing postives have petered out and now I can’t wait to be eating so I can exercise properly. I’m not getting any protein on the cleanse so I can’t lift weights because my muscles will take longer and are open to strains. I want to get on with it!

Day 6.

Today was better but not by much. It was my sister’s birthday and my family went to an Italian restaurant. I opted out, I didn’t want to watch people eat. I’m still hungry. I feel empty in the stomach. It’s growling. How can that be? I thought the hunger would go away after three days or so -that’s most people’s experience.

They brought back leftover pizza. It’s in the fridge now. I’ve taken it out twice. Looking at its beautiful stone-baked crust is making really resent this cleanse. What with the post-cleanse-OJ-and-soup-comedown, it’s still one week until I can eat a proper meal.

I seriously thought about quitting. All the good things that’s supposed to come from the cleanse aren’t happening for me.

• I don’t feel cleaner
• I still crave junk food
• I’ve barely lost any weight
• I feel lethargic
• My mood is terrible (obviously)
• My skin is still poor

So what’s the point of this? I don’t know. I’m sticking with it though. I may not like it, but I’ve committed to it and I’ve got to see it through.

Besides, I’ve yet to complete my full diet and exercise plan. That’s the key to my post-master cleanse lifestyle. Before, when I’d get hungry I’d get fast food because being creative enough to think of a healthy meal isn’t easy when craving food. The diet plan will take the thought out of it when I’m hungry, allow me to buy ingredients before, and give me a fairly accurate calorie count. I must have that in place before the end of the cleanse or I’ll more than likely indulge in junk and then the whole fast will have been a waste.

Anyway, bed ways is best ways I think.

Day 5.

No aches, no pains, no hunger. But I’m fed up with the Master Cleanse. I’ve lost nearly all my motivation. Today’s salt water flush was a total chore. Basing my life around two hours of spewing bright yellow liquid from my bum-bum seems, in every way, like a massive waste. Every time I thought I was finished I’d be back on the throne just minutes later gushing more arse-vomit. I certainly didn’t feel cleansed. The novelty has worn off and I’m stuck here crapping yellow goo for two hours then drinking yellow goo for fourteen more.

You must think me quite a twerp after reading all my previous posts. All that grandiose determination seems empty in the light of this current, unjustified crisis. But I wrote it mainly because it was self-motivating. And although it even seems stupid to me at this moment, I’m still glad I wrote it and published it online because it’s one more barrier between me walking away from the master cleanse. Sure, pride and fear of public failure might be crap reasons to stay on the master cleanse but hopefully it will be enough to see me through this phase. I really don’t want to be one of those chumps who fail at this. The reasons they give are always so pathetic. You can clearly see how self-deluded they are when they’re bargaining with themselves: “Day 1. Me and my hubby decided we’ll just drink the lemonade during the day and just watch what we eat in the evening, make sure it’s a really healthy meal! Day 2. We didn’t do the salt water flush today. We don’t really have time. Day 3. I can’t believe we’ve already done three days!!” …oh fuck off.

Why am I feeling this way? Not sure. I think I’m not drinking enough of the lemonade. I drink between 1ltr and 1.5ltrs a day. That’s around 6 glasses. That was fine for the first four days but maybe the calorie deficit has caught up with me. I think I need to drink more water too. That’s what I’m going to do tomorrow, drink more -well, it’s not like I can do anything else!?

When I began this, I really didn’t think boredom would be the biggest threat to me completing the master cleanse. After the hunger pangs and the cravings, the master cleanse becomes a routine like any other.

Oh yeah, not really a proper craving, but I’ve been thinking about eating scrambling eggs. I never eat eggs. In fact, I was seriously allergic as a child. What is this cleanse doing to me? What a stupid day.

Day 4.

It’s 11pm and I’m currently having serious cravings. I’ve just come from the kitchen where I spent ten minutes smelling the crust of a fresh loaf of bread. I wanted to bite into it like a medieval peasent. I found half an onion in the fridge, its rings on show and its smell reminding me of every kebab I’ve ever eaten. I unwrapped some cheddar cheese and fantasized about a cheese and pickle sandwich. I tried apples and bananas but their weren’t so pungent. I want a rotisserie chicken, lemon and herb. I want to tear strips off it and dunk them in barbeque sauce and lick my fingers after I’ve stuffed the motherclucker in my gob.

You might think it foolish to put myself in proximity to failure but smelling helped. I’d be in a worse state if I lay in my bedroom with only my yearning thoughts. When I was smelling food I was not craving food, and more importantly I was not eating food. The smelling became a contemplative act. It got me excited about my next meal. When I’m done writing this I’m going to do some more research on my post-cleanse diet.

While smelling I took pleasure in having an acute sensory reaction to food. Before the Master Cleanse a yummy taste and feeling full was all the satisfaction I got from food. It was an indulgent lifestyle that left no room for real appreciation. It feels good to be tuned into one of life’s basic pleasures.

As for the rest of my day: I woke with no aches or pains and was very relieved. I didn’t feel hungry and didn’t have any other cravings. I didn’t drink enough lemonade which may have been the cause of such fierce cravings but I’ve been gulping it since those cravings and it has most definitely helped.

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Also today, I joined a Master Cleanse forum. It’s very helpful and it’s motivating to read about others who are doing the Master Cleanse at the same time.

Day 3.

This morning I came out of my sleep with my stomach churning. I felt very weak. The herbal laxative wasn’t as benign as I thought it would be. I did a little poo, it was solid. Then I did a salt water flush, which was not. I was bored on the toilet but had the foresight to bring reading material.

I read a Sunday supplement article about a corrupt Wall Street trader who lived a life of extreme wealth and indulgence, full of drugs, boats, fucking and helicopters. If there were any redeeming qualities to this man they were not to be found in this article. What was falling out of my bum was more charming.

I finished my business, drank some lemonade and went back to bed. I was still very weak.

I woke up a few hours later and watched TV. As the afternoon became the evening I felt less weak and more pain. There was a dull pain in my lower back. I think it was my kidneys. And my arms and legs ached. I shifted from side to side, laid on my back, laid on my front. At one point I had my legs up the wall, at another I was on my belly reaching back trying to pull my legs nearer my head. Nothing worked, the pain got worse. I paced in the house and that helped slightly.

Eventually I went for a walk. It was cold but I was sweating with the pain. I met an old school friend and fobbed her off. My politeness was unconvincing and in hindsight I must have seemed like a junkie. Walking helped. I took a bottle of lemonade with me and swigged frequently.

Across the road a dog barked as a bloke walked past. He shouted back at the dog, “Shut up you caaahnt!” I looked over and he shouted at me, “What’s your problem, prick!?” I turned away. He said “That’s what I thought.” A few minutes later he crossed to my side of the road. I slowed down so he would be in front of me and not walking immediately behind me. As he passed me he mumbled “sorry”. The whole thing was a welcome distraction from the pain.

As I got nearer to home the aches in my arms and legs took priority. The cold was getting to them. When I got home I took a very hot shower and that soothed them. It took me a while to notice my back pain was gone.My arms and legs felt much better but ached until I slept.

The walk was satisfying. Living in London there are fast food places everywhere. I must have passed at least 20 on my four mile walk. The thought that a meal in any one of these places would stop the pain occured to me but didn’t take hold. I always presumed the Master Cleanse was painful and that framed today’s adventure as being part of the test. Even during that worrying pain, I knew that to eat would be a failure.

Day 2.

Today was good. The salt water flush was less satisfying but that was bound to be the case, what with yesterday’s initial purge of waste. Still, there was stuff leaving so I’m not clean yet. The plus side of being emptier was that I didn’t feel bloated or nauseous when I drank the sea salt water.

It was a Saturday today so I had a snooze in the afternoon. I don’t know if my energy levels are being affected yet. I didn’t drink as much lemonade as I did yesterday but I was doing less and still felt alert and comfortable.

In the evening there was Chinese take-away in the house. It smelled good. Later, I was in the kitchen smelling the plates. I didn’t eat though. Other Master Cleansers have noted that smelling food can be oddly satisfying. I’ve come to appreciate what they mean.

I miss eating but I’m not sure I’ve had any real cravings. Any desire to eat is dwarfed by my desire to complete the Master Cleanse. I want to be healthier, feel better about myself and live a different way. The idea of eating is ridiculous in this context. Before, I always felt hugely disappointed in myself for eating badly. But now, just two days into my decision to change I already feel empowered.

This evening I drank my first Herbal Laxative Tea. It’s main ingredients were fennel and senna. It tasted like freshly cut grass. It wasn’t that bad though. It nice to have something warm in me and there wasn’t much of an aftertaste. This stuff feels puny. I don’t think it will have much effect, especially since I’ve already flushed the majority of fecal waste out of me. However, my main concern is that does work and it will wake me up during the night for poo-poos.

Day 1.

I got up and did the salt water flush. Some people have trouble drinking the salt water but I got it down in three minutes. I felt bloated and nauseous afterwards. However, I tried not to think about it by making my day’s supply of Master Cleanse special lemonade.

About thirty minutes after the salt water flush it was showtime. I sat on the toilet and my bum gushed. Liquid spewed and it felt satisfying –partly due to the relief from nausea but mostly because it was a definitive expulsion of waste, an undeniable sign of change. Exciting.

The rest of the day was easy. The special lemonade worked and I didn’t feel hungry nor tired. In fact I had normal energy levels.

I haven’t bought a herbal laxative tea yet so I didn’t do that tonight.

All in all, a very easy day.

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*An easy way to mix the Master Cleanse special lemonade:

• Mix the maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper in a cup.
• Then pour out a cup-full from a 2 litre water bottle.
• Pour the mixture into the water bottle and shake.
• Next, pour it into four 500ml bottle, preferably ones with a sport’s spout.
• Store three of them in the fridge and take one with you.

The sports bottles help squirt to lemonade to the back of the mouth. This helps avoid the teeth (the mixture is obviously quite sugary) and helps avoid the taste -but you will still feel the kick of the cayenne pepper in the throat. This is easily washed away with water.

Hello,

My name is Earl. I’m 25, 5’8” and have a little round belly. My thighs are big but the rest of my body is quite skinny. For the past two years I’ve lived an increasingly bad lifestyle. My diet is poor; I frequently eat fast food, and don’t really exercise. And in general, I’m a lot less active than I used to be.

I’ve decided to do the Master Cleanse for the following reasons:

1. A new lifestyle
I want to jump start a new lifestyle. For the past two weeks I’ve been exercising daily and watching what I eat but it wasn’t enough. The first week I lost a few pounds, the second week I weighed more than when I started -that was disheartening. Keeping some treats, being stricter in other places and regular exercise was a compromised approach. It left me confused as to where I went wrong. With the Master Cleanse I will be drawing a line underneath my former lifestyle. Although the Master Cleanse isn’t designed for weight loss, I will lose weight and it will be in a relatively short period of time. This will prove that I can change my body and that I have control. The uncertainties of my former approach made it easy for me to bargain with myself about whether it’s ok that I have that Big Mac.

It currently takes a lot for me to feel full. Fasting for 10 days on the Master Cleanse will shrink my appetite. To feel satisfied with less food will undoubtedly help me stay slimmer. The Master Cleanse will rid me of sugar cravings and help break the lazy dietary habits.

2. Will Power and Self-Confidence
The Master Cleanse is a test of will power. The longest I’ve gone without food while healthy is less than three days. To not eat for ten days will be an hour-by-hour challenge. When I finish the Master Cleanse I’ll have conquered a basic human need, withstood the lazy thoughts that have previously lead me to fast food. It will be a great personal achievement and give me invaluable self-confidence to continue a healthy lifestyle.

3. Skin
I have some bad skin. It’s not hideous but it is red and blotchy in places. Previous attempts to get cleared skin have been unsuccessful. After the detox I may have clearer skin. This will show me that a dietary factor was the cause. If my skin is still poor, at least I will have a clean body on which to do experiments that won’t be confused by toxins that I ate a week ago.

What is the Master Cleanse?

The Master Cleanse is a detoxification that lasts for a minimum of ten days and involves consuming nothing but a special lemonade and herbal laxative tea, as well as performing a daily salt water flush.

The lemonade is made of freshly squeezed Lemon juice, grade B Maple syrup, Cayenne pepper and water. The recipe is below.

The Routine

The Master Cleanse routine is simple. Each morning you perform a salt water flush. This involves drinking a litre of water mixed with two tablespoons of sea salt. The mixture flushes through your body and 15-30 minutes later it will cause frequent watery excretions for up to two hours. However in most circumstances, the excretions last for about an hour.

For the rest of the day you must not eat or drink anything except for the special lemonade and water. You should drink between 6 and 12 glasses of the lemonade a day. The lemonade is an appetite suppressant and will keep hunger at bay. It will also provide you with enough calories to function at a normal level. The lemonade also has cleansing qualities, removing mucus amongst other things.

At the end of each day you should drink herbal laxative tea. This cleanses you further and aids the morning’s salt water flush.

The Master Cleanse Ingredients

Per glass

• 250ml of water (preferably spring or mineral water)
• 2 Tablespoons of Lemon Juice (from organic lemons)
  
• 2 Tablespoons of Grade B Maple Syrup
• 1 pinch of Cayenne pepper

Daily dose

• 2000ml of water (preferably spring or mineral water)
• 16 Tablespoons of Lemon Juice (from organic lemons)
  
• 16 Tablespoons of Grade B Maple Syrup
• 8 pinches of Cayenne pepper